I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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