wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
