Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
