Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bring money and cleavage
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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