can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
