Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
