What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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