she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
