she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
