What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
