My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
