I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
