T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
