Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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