I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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