mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
