The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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