Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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