I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
