I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
