I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
