I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
