eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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