alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
