She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
