You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
