Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize