I'm lost and stupid without you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
