I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you will always have a special place in my vag
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
