i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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