everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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