Plan B is the new Plan A
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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