Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize