When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
