it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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