new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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