So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
