everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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