fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
