My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
