Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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