When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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