I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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