Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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