Umm I'm too high to move.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
