How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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