dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize