I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
