I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
