Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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