Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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