Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
