i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
