So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize