The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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