mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
