he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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