you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My ass is underappreciated
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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