I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
