I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
