Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just gift wrapped bread.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
